American Psychopath

So lost in my gift that I can’t tell what’s mine and what’s his anymore.  “What’s mine…”  ha!  Nothing could be more wrong…  nothing has ever been mine.  The only thing I’ve ever had the ability to claim would be my gift, but is that really even mine?  At one point I begged for answers and when I didn’t get them, I tried to “off” myself…   it worked…   I got the answers I thought that I wanted and was ready for.  Here I am 5 years later wishing that I was blissfully ignorant…  Here I am knowing too much and with all of this knowledge comes more questions.  It seems the more I find out, the more I realize that I know nothing about what I am.   I know who I am, but what I am seems to be what I battle with most.  This gift is used so freely, but so unknowingly at times.  How can I decypher what is pure in emotion and what is a gift being used.  When the gift is used there are emotions that are temporary and that are in place for the purpose of duty.   It is often unknown to the giver that they are giving until the gift has been given, therefor causing many questions that seem to go forever unanswered.  Questions like:  Did/Do I really love her?   Did he/she ever understand what was being done…  would they understand?  Is this the end of it all for us?   Was this just a mission of gift giving and there is nothing more…  I now have to pack up my suitcase and tool chest and move on to the next?   Or is this the real thing…  a real friendship or relationship that can be appreciated and grown? 

I’ve cursed my gift since the day that I realized that I was being used.   I now accpet it a little more, but understand little about where I am headed.  I need to know where it’s going and what it’s goal might be.  I now realized that I refer to myself as an “it…”

What am I…?

What is it…?

“I’m not going to hurt you, I’m just going to bash your brains in…”   - Jack Torrence

Festive and fun things make me smile inside, and bring out my inner child. Life has gotta be filled with spontaneous acts of craziness, to keep our spirit alive. When you fly by the seat of your pants without a care in the world, you feel free. When you cry over spilt milk or worry about things not going according to plan…………….life is lifeless. When your home or belongings become a museum, it crushes and elliminates good times with friends and family. I will always remember good times tearin it up and making messes in my home. I will not remember or care about windexing, mopping, or scrubbing toilets.

Sometimes when I am forced to associate with people that I dislike and I feel an inner rage. I so hate FAKERS!  It’s as if I can look into their souls and see discontentment. That cheesy little smile and that random crunch of the eye makes my f’in toes curl.  It’s even worse that I have to pretend to like them too. As they exaggerate their happiness and boast about their bogus success I have visions of  writing their name in the cement with their face.  Why not be real.  Who are they trying to prove themselves to?

Sneaking into your house…  I watched you all day from afar..  When you opened the door and got into your car.  Followed you to work and so I stared for 8 hours patiently waiting for my chance to drown you.  I could talk to you, but I tried to and that fell through.  So I’ve resorted to letting you know how I feel while you fall asleep in my water.  You closed up your store inside the mall.  I waited patiently in my car with my parking lights on…  waiving to the security guard…  I smoke a cigarette as I listen to Smashing Pumpkins “Ava Adore.”   As you walk across the dimly lit parking lot in slow motion… I grin slightly and bite my bottom lip.  You crank your car and sit in it for a moment…  then you drive away…  I follow.  You stop off to pick someone up.. and it’s him…

After watching you and him drink coffee and enjoy subtle conversations and touches of the the fingers…  I head to your house and park down the street…  I sneak into the window that I left unlocked earlier in the day…  in your closet I await.  You arive home with your new aquaintance and you curl up on the mattress on the floor whispering to one another, saying that you’ve waited so long for someone like him… for moments like these… 

I stare and take it all in…  remembering when that was me that you let in…  it builds inside and I’m not sure how much longer I can wait.  I stare at him lying there in my spot and I want him to leave this place…   The light turns out and I hear belts unbuckling and kisses exchanging… I can feel my expression somber as my heart continues breaking..  I reach from the closet to the floor to try and find keys in pants pockets…  I slide back to my hiding place after I hit the panic button.  Him being the gentleman that he is…  he goes outside to check it out..  With the door closed shut and the lights out, I undress and lay next to you and we kiss….   you pull away as you feel moisture…  “it’s time to drown my dear…”  No need to muffle her screams, my ear piercing cries silence all sounds and she drowns in the tears that she’s created in me…  I lean over her and breakdown like the saddest, most broken human being in the history of love…   Screaming and crying like a 3yr. old in pain, I screamed, “These are yours, these are yours… (as the pouring tears landed on her face) this is what you’ve done, drown in my tears and because I’m the only one!!”  People banging on the door and sirens coming down the street…  I pull away, get dressed and come to my feet.  I stare at her on the mattress naked and in disbelief…    “you’ll understand when it’s “you” that’s broken…  because there is no me…”

-Deathstoll

Dear “the person who tainted my view on love,”

i put an unseen, willing trust in you.  I gave you my heart with no strings, just trust.  I felt secure and I felt whole.  I felt understood for the first time.  I sacrificed second-guessing, I sacrificed trust, I gave you all that I had, but it seems that wasn’t enough.  You promised me we’d do it til’ contact prevailed…  now I sit here with my head in my hands wondering, “what the hell?”  He was there, he was around and my initial thoughts were pushed away.  It happened a few times and my instincts stayed.  You told me that I was over-reacting about everything…  you told me that I had nothing to worry about, that I had your heart.  I trusted you with everything that had, you made me feel so bad for feeling those things.  You told me that he was unattractive and that if I saw him, I would know that I would have nothing to worry about…  although every-time I was on the phone with you, you two were hanging out.  We often talked about how it was messed up that people couldn’t accept a male and female “just being friends…” … that seems funny now and I guess the jokes on me.  I know you…   I truly know you and I could see where it was going with him and with us.  I put that fear out of the way as best as I could and decided to trust…   Look where that got me, it got a me a text, “i don’t know if i can do this anymore” and “ok soo I feel really uncomfortable about this but I think I might be into ****… and I think that might be good for me…”    My heart fell to pieces…  I fell to my knees.  So many thing running through my mind..   “I thought you loved me!!?”

I didn’t text back, you got no response… you then you texted that you didn’t want to hurt me… “seriously?? what the fuck…”  I feel like the biggest fool for trusting you.  I feel like the biggest idiot for letting myself get close too.  Now I sit and I stare at a map of where you live…  I know what this was…  it was my gift…

I know what I am and you know what I am…  you asked me if I was just around to give to you and I assured you that I wasn’t.  I had a moment to where I knew that it was just that…  but I also knew that I could love you forever if you loved me back.  In my life…  with my gift, there’s no selfishness allowed.  I was put in your life… and just like the others before you, you’re gone now.

I don’t like you for now because you were ignorantly manipulative, not knowing any better.  I don’t like you for now, because my wounds are still fresh.  I don’t like you for now because you fooled yourself in to thinking that you cared more than you did… your parting words showed.  I don’t like you for now because you don’t know what you’re losing.  I don’t like you for now because you tore my heart into.  I don’t like you for now because I thought it was over… I thought that I could live for me, that I didn’t have to worry about my gift anymore…  I thought I had it under control.  You’re better off now…  and I can’t not like you for that, but I hate me for ignoring his voice…  when he told me that you were another and not a permanent lover.  Scarred, I am…   broken, I am.  Still a tool in a tool-chest I am… not here for me..  here for all of you.  I don’t like you now, but I will love you forever.

With everyone put in my life and then taken out,  my heart gets bigger and it gets colder.  Numbness has taken over.

Yours Never,

*

-Deathstoll