Sometimes when I am forced to associate with people that I dislike and I feel an inner rage. I so hate FAKERS! It’s as if I can look into their souls and see discontentment. That cheesy little smile and that random crunch of the eye makes my f’in toes curl. It’s even worse that I have to pretend to like them too. As they exaggerate their happiness and boast about their bogus success I have visions of writing their name in the cement with their face. Why not be real. Who are they trying to prove themselves to?
Archive for March, 2010
Fakers
Tuesday, March 30th, 2010The Sickness
Monday, March 29th, 2010Sneaking into your house… I watched you all day from afar.. When you opened the door and got into your car. Followed you to work and so I stared for 8 hours patiently waiting for my chance to drown you. I could talk to you, but I tried to and that fell through. So I’ve resorted to letting you know how I feel while you fall asleep in my water. You closed up your store inside the mall. I waited patiently in my car with my parking lights on… waiving to the security guard… I smoke a cigarette as I listen to Smashing Pumpkins “Ava Adore.” As you walk across the dimly lit parking lot in slow motion… I grin slightly and bite my bottom lip. You crank your car and sit in it for a moment… then you drive away… I follow. You stop off to pick someone up.. and it’s him…
After watching you and him drink coffee and enjoy subtle conversations and touches of the the fingers… I head to your house and park down the street… I sneak into the window that I left unlocked earlier in the day… in your closet I await. You arive home with your new aquaintance and you curl up on the mattress on the floor whispering to one another, saying that you’ve waited so long for someone like him… for moments like these…
I stare and take it all in… remembering when that was me that you let in… it builds inside and I’m not sure how much longer I can wait. I stare at him lying there in my spot and I want him to leave this place… The light turns out and I hear belts unbuckling and kisses exchanging… I can feel my expression somber as my heart continues breaking.. I reach from the closet to the floor to try and find keys in pants pockets… I slide back to my hiding place after I hit the panic button. Him being the gentleman that he is… he goes outside to check it out.. With the door closed shut and the lights out, I undress and lay next to you and we kiss…. you pull away as you feel moisture… “it’s time to drown my dear…” No need to muffle her screams, my ear piercing cries silence all sounds and she drowns in the tears that she’s created in me… I lean over her and breakdown like the saddest, most broken human being in the history of love… Screaming and crying like a 3yr. old in pain, I screamed, “These are yours, these are yours… (as the pouring tears landed on her face) this is what you’ve done, drown in my tears and because I’m the only one!!” People banging on the door and sirens coming down the street… I pull away, get dressed and come to my feet. I stare at her on the mattress naked and in disbelief… “you’ll understand when it’s “you” that’s broken… because there is no me…”
-Deathstoll
…
Monday, March 29th, 2010
A Fool
Monday, March 29th, 2010Dear “the person who tainted my view on love,”
i put an unseen, willing trust in you. I gave you my heart with no strings, just trust. I felt secure and I felt whole. I felt understood for the first time. I sacrificed second-guessing, I sacrificed trust, I gave you all that I had, but it seems that wasn’t enough. You promised me we’d do it til’ contact prevailed… now I sit here with my head in my hands wondering, “what the hell?” He was there, he was around and my initial thoughts were pushed away. It happened a few times and my instincts stayed. You told me that I was over-reacting about everything… you told me that I had nothing to worry about, that I had your heart. I trusted you with everything that had, you made me feel so bad for feeling those things. You told me that he was unattractive and that if I saw him, I would know that I would have nothing to worry about… although every-time I was on the phone with you, you two were hanging out. We often talked about how it was messed up that people couldn’t accept a male and female “just being friends…” … that seems funny now and I guess the jokes on me. I know you… I truly know you and I could see where it was going with him and with us. I put that fear out of the way as best as I could and decided to trust… Look where that got me, it got a me a text, “i don’t know if i can do this anymore” and “ok soo I feel really uncomfortable about this but I think I might be into ****… and I think that might be good for me…” My heart fell to pieces… I fell to my knees. So many thing running through my mind.. “I thought you loved me!!?”
I didn’t text back, you got no response… you then you texted that you didn’t want to hurt me… “seriously?? what the fuck…” I feel like the biggest fool for trusting you. I feel like the biggest idiot for letting myself get close too. Now I sit and I stare at a map of where you live… I know what this was… it was my gift…
I know what I am and you know what I am… you asked me if I was just around to give to you and I assured you that I wasn’t. I had a moment to where I knew that it was just that… but I also knew that I could love you forever if you loved me back. In my life… with my gift, there’s no selfishness allowed. I was put in your life… and just like the others before you, you’re gone now.
I don’t like you for now because you were ignorantly manipulative, not knowing any better. I don’t like you for now, because my wounds are still fresh. I don’t like you for now because you fooled yourself in to thinking that you cared more than you did… your parting words showed. I don’t like you for now because you don’t know what you’re losing. I don’t like you for now because you tore my heart into. I don’t like you for now because I thought it was over… I thought that I could live for me, that I didn’t have to worry about my gift anymore… I thought I had it under control. You’re better off now… and I can’t not like you for that, but I hate me for ignoring his voice… when he told me that you were another and not a permanent lover. Scarred, I am… broken, I am. Still a tool in a tool-chest I am… not here for me.. here for all of you. I don’t like you now, but I will love you forever.
With everyone put in my life and then taken out, my heart gets bigger and it gets colder. Numbness has taken over.
Yours Never,
*
-Deathstoll
Daggers of Intuition
Monday, March 29th, 2010It has been said that all rumors and lies hold a little bit of truth, I don’t believe that. However, I do know though that there is instinct and if that instinct is pure in nature, it can be a window to truth. Trusting your instinct can be like asking a question that you don’t want to know the answer to. Careful with what it is that you want to know… it may crush you and ruin your thoughts forever.
Questions I
Sunday, March 21st, 2010What does the average person think about when they think about this life…?
How much does armageddon pass through someones head during a days time? How often does your average person think of the year 2012 and what it might bring? How often does the average person stare at the sky and think about what else is out there and what our purpose may be? Do people wonder if we have a purpose? Does the average person believe that they have a purpose? Are more people content with their day to day or do more people think of where they are suppose to be? Do people stare at rooftops as I do and want to sit and stare at the stars on a summers night? Do people cry at funerals because someone is dead, because they will never see this person again, speak to this person again, because they have been molded to cry? What about the people that hold back their tears at funerals.. why do they do that? What about the people that have no tears to hold back at a funeral… are they cold.. or do they simply accept that death is apart of this life? How many people have read the bible from cover to cover? Why did they do it? How many near death experiences do you have to have before you separate blessed from lucky? Do most people see ugly or beauty in people? Do most people wait to speak or do they listen? Do most people compromise and/or settle in relationships? Does the majority believe in perfection? Do you believe that perfection can just simply be being in love with someones flaws? Do people have more opinions than assumptions or vice verse? What’s better… blissful ignorance or tormenting knowledge? If karma was a person… what would her name be.. what would she look like… would she indeed be a “she?” How many people stare at the colors around them because they are afraid that if they do not appreciate that their site may be taken away… and the same with the other senses? Are there excuses for racism? Mother nature has fires, tornadoes, earthquakes, etc. to cleanse the earth and to keeps it’s cycle… We are apart of nature… When we cry, scream, get angry, laugh uncontrollably, etc., are we doing the same? Do fat people really think that they are beautiful or do they just say it because they feel they have no other options? If 80% of homosexuals were sexually molested.. then… ok, too many questions. Does everyone have common sense if it doesn’t seem very common? If beauty is in the eye of the beholder… is love in the heart of the loving? Is love open to interpretation?
D.V. Deathstoll
Waters of the Deep
Sunday, March 21st, 2010Need to be taken back to the place where my mind was at ease. Taken back before self-destruction… before I lose the new me. Temporary pleasantries have given me a false sense of security in my sick mind. Knowing that I have demons that lurk isn’t a problem. Lurking demons do no harm… it’s when they speak that I lose control. Like company only feeds into the thought that I am indeed losing it again and I know that they’re watching, waiting for me to slip. Let me poison my skin with ink to mask the pain with pleasurable colors… colors pleasuring. Let me sing only to destroy my voice, not for the sake of art. Let me write to bleed my eyes, not for your ears. I always stood still and excepted the curse… I recently started walking in a direction of the end, instead of standing content in my insanity, but I have plateaued and am lost with no direction. I stare at my scars and smile, letting them take me back to a time where I knew what I was. I hold my scars in comfort like a child with their teddy bear… The torcher of “give and take” was too much on my sensitive soul and now my life reaps even what was never really sewn. There was never one to show me how… I learned what I know my purely experiencing pain and not excepting the answers that sat in front of me. Maybe it was that simple.. maybe those answers that lie in front of us are really just that simple. My thirst for knowledge and wisdom isn’t my biggest flaw… it’s the knowledge and wisdom that I’ve gained that is killing me. So I hold my scars close on a rainy day, I stare out of a window and listen to mans seconds pass with every rain drop tapping the bottom of a gutter. It’s not about obtaining the unattainable, it’s about knowing that it exists.
Demitri V. Deathstoll
“Polar” opposites
Friday, March 19th, 2010So, my brain is getting the best of me this week… I was on high for 2 weeks straight and nothing could bring me down. Nothing happened to make me feel this way, it’s just the way it goes in this mind of mine. My eyes look like I just woke up all day long. I don’t have many words for many people and my emotions are silent. Digging my way back and my way out… I will reach my polar end today.
Mary Jane for marY janE
Tuesday, March 16th, 2010It would be nice to step into someone else’s mind for a change. I want to know how other minds work, how they respond and the sensations that are felt during the course of a normal day.
Now, let’s talk about Mary Jane. Do you ever wonder if the way YOU feel when hanging with mary is the way other people feel on a day to day basis? Do you ever wonder if the way THEY feel when hanging with Mary is the way you feel when you are all alone with no one around. It’s a weird concept… No one really knows what is NORMAL and what is HIGH.
Think about this… are the colors that you see THE SAME as they colors THEY see? What about SOUNDS… or SMELLS?
Now What?
Silence in a closet
Monday, March 15th, 2010I’m going home and am going to lock my self in a closet, turn on a red light and blast death metal until my ears ring shut.