American Psychopath

You streak black in front of me

Smeared you leave the air

Nothing in my eyes can be pure

Leave me be and let me be here

-Deathstoll

fuck you, you stupid fucking, ungreatful piece of shit.  i’ve never met anyone so fucking undeserving of anything remotely beautiful in my life.  yeah?  ask him how my dick tastes!  take your insecure, never knowing where you’re going, dude smelling armpit ass to the next one in line.  Two cuts from a mullet and one dog from airborn mange.  I gave you EVERY GOD FORSAKEN BIT of my heart, love, being…  and all because you simply told me that you’d never hurt me.. that I could trust you to no end.  Now I wish that I wrapped you up tight in your blanket laying next to me, smothered your face and… and threw you in the trunk..  still living I’d take you to a bridge on a frozen night.  Naked, I’d dip you in water and back out again, cover you with leaches…   take you back home to the basement, chain you to the floor and shave your head with rocks and use salt for aftershave.  Starve your dogs for 10 days and hide raw meat in your holes and under your body and let them feast upon what I held so dear….  NO MORE YOU.

I’ve been having visions.  In my life I’ve experienced many things, but have never had what I consider to be visions.. until today.  Hills made of ash or white wire.  The visions are very quick.. they come and go with a blink of the eye.  There is meaning to be found…   Meaning that I am insane or meaning that I am being shown…  I already know the answer to both in other facets of my life, so it’s difficult for me to determine what it is that I should do.

And the pieces never seem to match, though they force them too… it’s called settling and learning to love someone for who they are.  That is not soulmates.  The majority settle and learn to accept the flaws.   True love is finding flaws beautiful from “the get go.”  I say this, but I am a man who is single and forever looking.  Some call me hopeless, some say that I am unrealistic.  You know what I say?  I say, “fuck that.”   I’ve had many loves and have loved many…  from each I gather and learn.  A never ending search.. mission…  quest…    “If you’re looking you will not find it…”  Yeah, whatever makes you feel better. ha.  I see her face in every set of exotic eyes, in every small body with a nice ass, with every tattooed being, with every kissable neck.   I am sick…   that’s a fact.  I would drink the blood of the perfect one to seal the fate and confirm the promise.   I would do anything for the one I do not know.  Is it instant?  I want her to see me hurt…   I want to find lust in vulnerability.  Don’t let this phrase pass you by…  FIND LUST IN VULNERABILITY…   this is where truth in love sits and waits to be discovered…  but it is rare in it’s finding.    Appreciation isn’t love…   Caring isn’t love…  friendship is the strongest root of the tree that love is…  branches called, “assurance.”

such a bad day… such a bad time..   There was a woman checking her mail on the side of the road and i was going about 60mph.  I’ve never have come so close to running someone over with my car purposely.  I would like to say that at the last second that I changed my mind, but in all honesty, I just don’t think that I convinced myself to do it in time.  I would have been able to justify it in my mind.  After all that I’ve gone through in my mind today and what it is that I feel inside, I know that she would have been sacrificial to my bidding.  If she were hit by me, you would have discovered that she was a child fondler or a rapist…  a crook of any kind.  None of that happened… so here I sit not on the run and not bleeding from my chest where I would have forced the police to kill me.

Using tryptophan-L to experience a more intense dream state. My dreams are lucid, vivid in color, and feel real. I have complete recall of all events, and can remember the smallest of detail. There is no groggy feeling upon awaking, but instead my body is fully rested and rejuvinated. The journey is exciting, and can take you places you have never been.

Bloody and Sacrificial… Here I will stay

I walked for hours

Tell me my love… “is it enough…?”

 

Deathstoll-